Ting Tong
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Lifetime VIP Member
Cuddly Coronavirus anyone? They also do a poo (not pooh) one. Bizarre!
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Vantastic2
Just had to put this one on...ENJOY !
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing ..............
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing ..............
It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Vantastic2
THERE WERE TWO NUNS
One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…………………
Say two Hail Mary's!
One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…………………
Say two Hail Mary's!
Amarillo
Tom
Super Poster
VIP Member
Video from my sons' headteacher.
It was the choice of song that amused me...
It was the choice of song that amused me...
Joker 1299
I hope they all live in the same household... mine!
Karlos
Tidy
Amarillo
Tom
Super Poster
VIP Member
Vantastic2
David is still a bachelor at the age 0f 30. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" David answered, "I've found many women I would have likerd to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution Find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and the friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, David replies, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She really was just like my mother. You were correct - mother loved her much." The friend said, "So what's the problem?"
"My father didn't like her!"
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution Find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and the friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, David replies, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She really was just like my mother. You were correct - mother loved her much." The friend said, "So what's the problem?"
"My father didn't like her!"
Jodalo
Reminds me a bit like Alan Partridge on Norfolk local radio at the end. Tragi-comedy.
Ahaaaa!
V
Vagophile
Top Poster
Lifetime VIP Member
Unbelievable!
Ting Tong
Top Poster
Lifetime VIP Member
Optical illusions are fascinating. This is a good one: 
willwander
Top Poster
VIP Member
Classic
larrylamb
Super Poster
VIP Member
hmmmmm,
www.blackpoolgazette.co.uk
Fortune teller's shop catches fire on Blackpool Prom
A fortune teller's shop on Blackpool Prom caught fire last night (May 4) and appears to have spread to a sweet shop next door.
www.blackpoolgazette.co.uk
Borris
Super Poster
VIP Member
Police are looking for a tall, dark stranger.hmmmmm,
Fortune teller's shop catches fire on Blackpool Prom
A fortune teller's shop on Blackpool Prom caught fire last night (May 4) and appears to have spread to a sweet shop next door.
Amarillo
Tom
Super Poster
VIP Member
hmmmmm,
Fortune teller's shop catches fire on Blackpool Prom
A fortune teller's shop on Blackpool Prom caught fire last night (May 4) and appears to have spread to a sweet shop next door.
The fortune teller doubled down on her insurance only the day before.
Joker 1299
Closed due to unforeseen circumstances.
Vantastic2
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
The bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a pound coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the coin. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake .......
"Tell him about the time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor"
The bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a pound coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the coin. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake .......
"Tell him about the time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor"
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