Vantastic2
The floor of our Cali after a lor lor drinks !
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Vantastic2
When my daughter was 7 years old I took her to Bristol Zoo for the day.
As we were wandering around, we came upon the elephant enclosure.
She was extremely excited and at the top of her voice shrieked,
“Look Dad! there's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was not only shocked but also very angry as everybody was looking at us following her outburst.
“WHAT did you just call it?” I demanded. " A frickin' Elephant, Dad," replied her,
"it says so on the sign."
My daughter was absolutely correct. The sign read: 'A F R I C A N Elephant'.
As we were wandering around, we came upon the elephant enclosure.
She was extremely excited and at the top of her voice shrieked,
“Look Dad! there's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was not only shocked but also very angry as everybody was looking at us following her outburst.
“WHAT did you just call it?” I demanded. " A frickin' Elephant, Dad," replied her,
"it says so on the sign."
My daughter was absolutely correct. The sign read: 'A F R I C A N Elephant'.
Borris
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Try this for chuckle value.
Norfolk Jim
Having been one of those self-employed that had been forgotten by the chancellor I now see there are these Bounce Back loans of up to £50k for those not eligible for the grants etc. Seems no repayments for 12 months and gov pay the interest on it for first 12 months or something like that. Repayment terms as 6 years. Interesting - the interest rate seems very low so perhaps I should apply and then buy my first Cali???? Just a thought to cheer me up!
Jodalo
Remember, it’s life Jim, but not as we know it.
andyinluton
Super Poster
VIP Member
- Messages
- 7,216
- Vehicle
- T6.1 Ocean 204 4 motion
Interest rate fixed at 2.5% max 25% of company turnover up to 50K .
Difficulty is getting it from company account into personal account, if I take it as salary all in one month theres a lot paid out in PAYE, personal national insurance & company NI. Am doing the maths on running one as a company car.
Norfolk Jim
But mine is not a ltd company so no PAYE as I do self-assessment returns making sure I pay as little tax as possible using room at home as office etc.......................
ArunAlec
Super Poster
VIP Member
Elon Musk and singer Grimes have confirmed they have named their baby X Æ A-12.
edit ..... sorry this isn’t a joke. Mind you it/he/she will probably need to develop a sense of humour pretty quickly!
edit ..... sorry this isn’t a joke. Mind you it/he/she will probably need to develop a sense of humour pretty quickly!
Last edited:
Jodalo
I wonder how that translates into an everyday name? Zea, Zay, Ee, Eh?
ArunAlec
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Probably get shortened to WTF Musk.
SimonB
Staff member
Top Poster
This is an interview between Madonna and an Hungarian paper that is, allegedly, translated from the Hungarian into English from a few years ago. It is then later translated from this back into Hungarian again. Before being translated back into English to be published in America. Dawn French reads the Hungarian side and Jennifer Saunders reads Madonnas.
Vantastic2
A WOMAN RUBBED A BOTTLE AND OUT POPPED A GENIE. THE AMAZED WOMAN ASKED IF SHE GOT THREE WISHES.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "LET ME SEE THE FRICK'N MAP AGAIN."
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "LET ME SEE THE FRICK'N MAP AGAIN."
Vantastic2
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first boy says, "A circumcision."
And the second boy says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first boy says, "A circumcision."
And the second boy says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Vantastic2
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 2am and asked where he's going at that time of night.
The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The police officer asks, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The old man replies, "That would be my wife."
The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The police officer asks, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The old man replies, "That would be my wife."
Vantastic2
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the man is in and asks, “How do you stay so fit?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “I’m sure that helps,” says the doctor, “but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
”Who said my father’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact, we played golf together this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?”
”Who said he wanted to?”
”Who said my father’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact, we played golf together this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?”
”Who said he wanted to?”
Vantastic2
When Pete joined his mates in the pub, he found them planning a fishing fishing trip for the following week. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Pete headed home feeing depressed.
The following week when Pete's mates arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were surprised to see Pete.
He was already sitting at in front of his tent with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. They asked him, "How did you talk your missus into letting you come Pete?" "I didn't have to," he replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady crept up behind me, covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!" When I lifted her hands up, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee. She smiled and said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"
The following week when Pete's mates arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were surprised to see Pete.
He was already sitting at in front of his tent with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. They asked him, "How did you talk your missus into letting you come Pete?" "I didn't have to," he replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady crept up behind me, covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!" When I lifted her hands up, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee. She smiled and said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"
Vantastic2
Its VE day and im thinking of the likes of my late father ( died of a heart attack in a care home Aug last yr with my mum following 42 days later ) he served as a REME trained up for D day landings only to be called off at last moment and then sent to Austria on missions he would keep secret and take with him.
His father was in WW1 and WW2 and had seen a lot of action in the royal navy.
Final tribute to a loved uncle who cheated into going to war at the age of 15.
he joined the royal navy and seen so much death in action
' off the boot of Italy ' and on D day took Allied troops on to the landing beaches in his landing craft to witness so many that didn't make the beaches....
It is nice that all those involved have kept Europe at peace for 75 yrs and when this coronavirus is over I can't wait to be at the campsites in Europe with my fellow Europeans !
They always say leave the best t'ill last so I hope you all enjoy this one..
This is the apparently true story of a high-flying business couple who decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier but because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel where he found a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address…he missed the “e” of the end of their name, Smythe, and without realizing his error he clicked on “send” and off it went to Jsmyth (without an e) +aol.com
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Mrs Jean Smyth without an “e” had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.
The grieving widow decided to check her email – Jsmyth@aol.com - expecting messages from relatives and friends and after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her eldest rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!
His father was in WW1 and WW2 and had seen a lot of action in the royal navy.
Final tribute to a loved uncle who cheated into going to war at the age of 15.
he joined the royal navy and seen so much death in action
' off the boot of Italy ' and on D day took Allied troops on to the landing beaches in his landing craft to witness so many that didn't make the beaches....
It is nice that all those involved have kept Europe at peace for 75 yrs and when this coronavirus is over I can't wait to be at the campsites in Europe with my fellow Europeans !
They always say leave the best t'ill last so I hope you all enjoy this one..
This is the apparently true story of a high-flying business couple who decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier but because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel where he found a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address…he missed the “e” of the end of their name, Smythe, and without realizing his error he clicked on “send” and off it went to Jsmyth (without an e) +aol.com
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Mrs Jean Smyth without an “e” had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.
The grieving widow decided to check her email – Jsmyth@aol.com - expecting messages from relatives and friends and after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her eldest rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!
V
Vagophile
Top Poster
Lifetime VIP Member
True story. At the age of 11, I fell out of a tree and did my back a serious injury, meaning quite a long stay in the children's ward at the local County hospital. In the next bed was a rough and ready teenager from Byker who was just young enough to be in the children's ward.
A young female trainee nurse was deputed to attend to the hygiene of the patients by giving them a bed bath.
She became very flustered when attending to the private parts of Byker boy, fumbling and rummaging around. Eventually he announced loudly "You can let go now nurse, it'll stand up on it's own"
Ting Tong
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Amarillo
Tom
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The Giant Panda on average spends 16 hours per day either asleep or dozing.
That is exactly the same amount of time as an average adult human living under lockdown.
...And that is why it is called a pandemic.
That is exactly the same amount of time as an average adult human living under lockdown.
...And that is why it is called a pandemic.
Rich63
Lifetime VIP Member
....Love it!!
Perfectos
Super Poster
Lifetime VIP Member
That’s foresight for you !
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